Writing and Editing Examples, Tips, and Resources
This research proposal was done by two nursing students for a Dimensions in Nursing course. The following excerpt from the paper is the research topic.
“The relationship between the failure of the registered nurse to provide couplet care and a decrease in the quality of nursing care received by the patients.”
This is a letter of recommendation for admittance into a master’s degree program. The original letter appears first, and the corrected version appears after the first. If you want to see the marked up version in doc or PDF format, you may click on the link below.
BEFORE…
I have a professional relationship with Jennifer Smith even though her position is a volunteer one. She is the president of our preschool board that I have the responsibility to direct.
When Jennifer came onto the board, there were conflicts between the board and the leadership of the church in regards to the preschool. Jennifer had the uncomfortable position of having the responsibility of leading the board through a difficult time. She managed to lead with authority and conviction using policy to guide compromise. Although this put her in an awkward position, she led with conviction and integrity. Many hours were spent talking with the board members and leaders of the church to gather information and understand the differences of opinion between the parties.
Jennifer is talented in her ability to identify a problem and determine an action plan. Her writing skills are clear and proficient. She has a profound sense of what is right and wrong and an ability to prioritize the steps that need to be taken to remedy the problem. In addition, she has the fortitude to take the rough road and stay with it until completion. After the first year under Jennifer’s leadership, conflicts that had negatively affected the preschool had been addressed and resolved.
I have related these events to you in order to illustrate the abilities Jennifer possesses. These abilities will also help her to be a strong student and later a gifted teacher. First and foremost, Jennifer’s tenacity to finish work and complete a difficult course of action will aid her with difficult classes at American University. This tenacity will also benefit her in dealing with difficult situations in classes as a teacher.
Jennifer’s analytical skills and her ability to figure out and prioritize problems will help her to develop a course of action to solve problems she will have in the future.. She will need to have this problem solving ability while studying at American University as she juggles a MA program and her family obligations.
Jennifer has an excellent understanding of math principles—I see this in how she deals with budget issues in the preschool. I am sure she will excel in the mathematics course work.
In summary, I am convinced that Jennifer will be an asset to your program at American University and I recommend her highly for admission to your program.
AFTER…
I am writing regarding Jennifer Smith’s application for admittance into your math education program. My relationship with Jennifer is professional even though she is a volunteer at the preschool that I direct. Jennifer has been the president of our preschool board for three years. With confidence, I can say that Jennifer will be an asset to your program. Jennifer is talented in her ability to identify a problem and determine an action plan. She has a profound sense of what is right and wrong and an ability to prioritize the steps that need to be taken to remedy the problem. In addition, she has the fortitude to take the rough road and stay with it until completion.
When Jennifer came onto the preschool board, there were conflicts between the board and the leadership of the church in regards to the preschool. Jennifer had the uncomfortable position of leading the board through a difficult time. She led with authority and conviction using policy to guide compromise. Although this put her in an awkward position, she led with integrity. She spent many hours speaking with the board members and leaders of the church to gather information and understand the differences of opinion between the parties. After the first year under Jennifer’s leadership, conflicts that had negatively affected the preschool had been addressed and resolved.
I have related these events to you to illustrate the abilities Jennifer possesses. These abilities will also help her to be a strong student and, later, a gifted teacher. First and foremost, Jennifer’s tenacity to finish work and complete a difficult course of action will aid her with difficult classes at American University. This tenacity will also benefit her in dealing with difficult situations in classes as a teacher. Jennifer’s analytical skills and her ability to figure out and prioritize problems will help her to develop a course of action to solve problems she will have in the future.
In addition to integrity, problem solving skills, and determination, Jennifer has an excellent understanding of math principles. I see this in how she deals with budget issues in the preschool. I am sure she will excel in the mathematics course work. She is also a clear and proficient writer; she drafted several preschool documents and presented them to the board for review, modification, and adoption.
In summary, I am convinced that Jennifer will be an asset to your program at American University, and I recommend her highly for admission.
This is a purpose/interest statement that will be submitted with an application for a teacher program. Two versions of the paragraph appear below. The first is the version prior to my edit. The second is after my edit. To see my changes and reasons for my changes, download the doc or PDF file.
BEFORE…
I am qualified for the Project Citizen Summer Institute because I am a middle school social studies teacher and I am committed to implementing this program with my students. I am familiar with the program through the Ohio Center for Law-Related Education and have participated in other programs in the past. I know what an impact these programs can have on students, schools, and communities. I believe that my students can make a significant contribution to their schools and communities. In my school and the surrounding community, there are many issues that affect students. For example, many students comment on the way that behaviors or other issues are addressed in the school and they have witnessed injustice in their communities. I believe that it would be empowering for students to become part of the solution to a problem that directly affects them. During the next school year, I plan to implement the program with a group of my students, either a class or a combination of students from all of my classes. This includes preparing for and attending the Project Citizen Showcase in Columbus, Ohio. I also plan to use the strategies for teaching civic involvement and the emphasis on citizenship with all of my students. I am applying with another teacher, Mrs. Dana McDonald, from my school. Together, we can more efficiently and effectively implement this program by sharing ideas and responsibilities. The teacher I am working with is a science teacher, which dramatically increases the variety of issues that we could address. By attending this institute, I hope to gain ideas and strategies and connect with others who are committed to implementing Project Citizen. The institute that we hope to attend is “Creating Better Readers, Writers, and Thinkers” which addresses a critical need for our school and students.
AFTER…
As a middle school social studies teacher, I am qualified for the Project Citizen Summer Institute and am committed to implementing this program with my students. The institute that I hope to attend is “Creating Better Readers, Writers, and Thinkers,” which addresses a critical need for my school and students. I have participated in other Ohio Center for Law-Related Education programs and know that they have a considerable impact on students, schools, and communities. In particular, I believe that my students can make a significant contribution to their own school and community where there are many issues that affect them. For example, many students comment on the way that behaviors or other issues are addressed in the school, and they have witnessed injustice in their communities. Through this program, I plan to empower my students by helping them become part of the solution to a problem that directly affects them. During the next school year, I plan to implement the program with a group of my students and to use the strategies for teaching civic involvement and the emphasis on citizenship with all of my students. To accomplish this, I must prepare for and attend the Project Citizen Showcase in Columbus, Ohio. I hope to implement this program with another teacher, Mrs. Dana McDonald, who is also applying. By sharing ideas and responsibilities, we can more efficiently and effectively implement this program. Furthermore, as a science teacher, Mrs. McDonald’s input will dramatically increase the variety of issues that we could address. By attending this institute, I hope to gain ideas and strategies and connect with others who are committed to implementing Project Citizen.
Two versions of the essay appear below. The first is the version prior to my edit. The second is after my edit. To see my changes and reasons for my changes, download the doc or PDF file.
BEFORE…
Which of your current or previous teachers do you admire most, and why?
Of the numerous teachers that I have had the privilege of learning under, one stands out from the rest. Mrs. Konnor, my eleventh grade AP English teacher, is undoubtedly the teacher that I admire most. Mrs. Konnor is a phenomenal teacher because she has an uncanny ability to challenge and inspire a student while simultaneously providing a comfortable learning environment. I can remember that every time I walked into her class room I was excited. Excited not only because Mrs. Konnor would keep us entertained, interested and, amazingly, on task but also because I could not wait to see what she would teach me that day. It seemed that every time I walked into that class I was in for passionate discussions and intelligent conversations about modern events, controversial issues and famous works of literature. Every day, as I left her classroom, I was inspired to learn more about current events, expand my knowledge and to become better read in classic literature. Mrs. Konnor repeatedly pointed out profound symbolism and deeper meaning in novels that we never would have been able to find on our own, thus challenging us to look closer and delve deeper into literature. The combination of relaxed and comfortable learning mixed with challenge and inspiration is unlike any I have ever faced in a classroom before and perhaps ever will again. For that, Mrs. Konnor has my gratitude and my admiration.
Describe how a world event has helped to shape the person you are today.
As with many people, the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centers in New York city on September 9th 2001 had a profound impact upon me in spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that I was only nine. As a nine year old, I understandably could not fully grasp what had happened or any of the terrible evil that stood behind the atrocity. That day, a process began inside of me. Perhaps this process is not finished and perhaps it has run its course. In any case, I began to become aware of a whole world full of good and of evil that existed beyond the bubble of safety and comfort known as Peters Township. From that day of atrocity onward, I have extended my awareness to global events that will inevitably affect me even within the safety of my bubble. Though these events happen thousands of miles from my doorstep and involve people I have never met, they have a very real affect on me. September 11th was the first of these events that I truly experienced and it changed my whole world view and my ability to recognize the affect and scope of world event. I believe September 11th has shaped the person I am today in a profound way; acting as a giant pin to my safe and comfortable bubble and awakening me to the vast world that lie beyond Peters Township.
Describe five unique or interesting things about yourself.
A person is more than their standardized scores and GPA. A person is a complex culmination of experiences, thoughts and convictions. While a 250 word essay is by no means a clear window to the soul, I will try to give you an idea of who I am in the next 195 words. The most important thing to me and the first interesting thing about me is my faith. As a Christian I am called to share it with the world and I do that as often as I can. This brings me to my second interesting thing. I have been on two mission trips to Panama and intend of going on many more. Thirdly, I play defense for my lacrosse team. I enjoy it very much and like to think that I am pretty good too. I enjoy the competition, comradery and opportunity to exercise. The fourth thing is that I was born on Halloween. I rarely have anyone forget my birthday; it is a pretty common date. The final noteworthy or important thing to who I am is that I enjoy playing chess. While this may seem to be uninteresting, it is a good indicator of my personality. Chess is a thinking man’s game, a game of strategy and logic combined with creative thinking. This is how I am wired. I am a thinker, a problem solver and I enjoy strategic and logical thought while being creative. So there I am; 250 words to help un-fog the window.
AFTER…
Which of your current or previous teachers do you admire most, and why?
Of the numerous teachers that I have had, one stands out from the rest—Mrs. Konnor. As my eleventh grade AP English teacher, Mrs. Konnor is undoubtedly the one I admire most. She is a phenomenal teacher because she has an uncanny ability to challenge and inspire a student while simultaneously providing a comfortable learning environment. I remember being excited every time I walked into her classroom not only because Mrs. Konnor would keep the class entertained, interested and, amazingly, on task but also because I could not wait to see what she would teach me that day. Every class was filled with passionate discussions and intelligent conversations about modern events, controversial issues, and famous works of literature. Every day, as I left her classroom, I was inspired to learn more about current events, to expand my knowledge, and to become better read in classic literature. Mrs. Konnor repeatedly pointed out the profound symbolism and deeper meaning in novels, thus challenging us to look closer and delve deeper into literature. The combination of a relaxed and comfortable learning environment with challenging and inspiring lessons is unlike any I have ever faced in a classroom before and perhaps ever will again. For that, Mrs. Konnor has my gratitude and my admiration.
Describe how a world event has helped to shape the person you are today.
As with many people, the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centers in New York City on September 11, 2001 had a profound impact on me in spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that I was only nine. As a nine-year-old, I understandably could not fully grasp what had happened or the terrible evil that stood behind the atrocity. However, a process began inside of me that day. September 11th shaped my whole world view and my ability to recognize the affect and scope of other world events. Perhaps this process is not finished and perhaps it has run its course. In any case, I became aware of a whole world full of good and of evil that existed beyond the bubble of safety and comfort known as Peters Township. From that day onward, I have been able to see how global events will inevitably affect me even within the safety of my bubble. Though these events happen thousands of miles from my doorstep and involve people I have never met, they have a very real affect on me. This new awareness has inspired me to or has impressed upon me the value of or something….[complete this thought].
Describe five unique or interesting things about yourself.
A person is more than standardized scores and a GPA. A person is a complex culmination of experiences, thoughts, and convictions. While a 250-word essay is by no means a clear window to the soul, I will try to give you an idea of who I am in the next 211 words. The most important thing to me, and the first interesting thing about me, is my faith. As a Christian, I am called to share my faith with the world, and I do that as often as I can. This brings me to my second interesting thing. I have been on two mission trips to Panama and intend to go on many more. Thirdly, I play defense for my lacrosse team. I enjoy it very much and like to think that I am pretty good, too. I enjoy the competition, camaraderie, and opportunity to exercise. The fourth thing is that I was born on Halloween. I rarely have anyone forget my birthday. The final noteworthy or important thing that tells who I am is that I enjoy playing chess. While this may seem to be uninteresting, it is a good indicator of my personality. Chess is a thinking game, a game of strategy, logic, and creativity; and I enjoy strategic, logical, and creative thought. So, these five interesting things tell you that I am more than my test scores and GPA. I am a unique, well-rounded person who cares about people and missions, who is competitive and social, who values physical fitness, and who is a thinker and a problem solver.
I have been working on an informational web site about proofreading and editing. It contains the following information:
This is a work in progress. There are a few “under construction” pages that I plan to update with information soon. After that, I will update the site with new information as it comes available to me.
Here is the link: edit.articulatewriting.com
I am also posting the link in the blog roll for easy reference later.
